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[Tuesday
7:56pm June 14th] |
well, it seems my self esteem isn't quite dead. it survived the fall from my window and is holding on with a ragged heartbeat. but it's holding on just barely.
went to target today. their selection was smaller but better. got a purple and black tankini. the top is the kind that comes all the way around in the back, but ties around my neck at the top... black with a light purple trim. the bottom is the same light purple with a black belt and a light purple buckle. it's cute, and it fits, and i don't look like THAT much of a cow.
i said THAT MUCH.
today was the last day of school. school is done. except for exams, and i only have three. woohoo. half day tmrw, then swimming, then half day on thursday, then i'm done.
since school is over, so is this eljay. i'm starting fresh, and i've decided that after the school year next year, i'll get a new one, too. so this new one fits me perfectly... it's exactly what i am.
theperfectflaw_
ADD ME, DAMMIT.
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[Monday
7:52pm June 13th] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 insecure |
] |
my self esteem just committed suicide. before i get into why, let me tell you about my day.
nothing happened.
...
this time, i'm serious. i was in SUCH a good mood at school... well, almost. you know what i mean. people liked my hair, even though VERY few people bothered to say anything... not that it matters. it aws just a pretty good day at school. then i came home. whatever, nothing happened. then my dad came home. whatever, nothing happened.
we went to walmart. and everything went downhill.
i need a bathing suit, plain and simple. my mom gave my 45$ to get one, and today we went to walmart. this shit is fucking pathetic, excuse my language. i'm getting a two piece, a tankini, because yes, i can actually fit in one. my stomach isn't the problem, not as much anyway. i know i've got a BIG stomach, but the tanktop covers that. it's my legs.
it's not like i don't exercise. god knows i don't eat enough as it is, and what i DO eat is normally healthy. well, as far as food goes, good outweighs the bad. i swear, i'm about ready to jsut give up ion eating altogether. no, im not talking about being anorexic. when i say stop eating, i mean stop eating anything that isn't dinner. dinner should suffice. i don't eat lunch, theres no time AND no money AND no food i can bring, and i don't eat breakfast because i don't have time OR money OR food. wait, that soulnds surprisingly like lunch. whatever. this shit.... i'm tired of hating myself so much, but i can't help it. no, this has NOTHING to do with my dad. i'm just REALLY insecure/REALLY overweight/REALLY pathetically disgustingly fat.
i don't look good in a bathing suit, at all, no matter what the type. i didn't even try on normal bikini bottoms. i tried on those boyshorts, the kind that almost look like shorts, but at the same time, don't. they cover up more then bikini bottoms do. but no matter what i do, no matter what i try, i feel uncomfortable in a bathing suit... in shorts at all!! i don't wear shorts to school, and i rarely ever wear short skirts... i only own one, and i wear that sparingly. i look so.... ugh, it's disgusting.
i keep telling myself it could be worse, and it definitely could. i've seen people that are worse off then me, and i'm by no means saying that you should pity me. i'm just so utterly fed up with myself. i DO exercise, when i can. now that summer is starting up, i think i may try to run more, but there's no guarentees, because of my knee. if i so much as run fast, it starts throbbing, and i don't know why. it annoys the shit out of me, because i need to lose this stupid weight, and soon.
i weigh freaking 180 something, which is like 40-50 more then i need to be. fuck, i'd settle for 150 right now. that would be heaven compared to this. i'm uncomfortable jumping or sitting on people, because i'm afraid that i'm going to hurt them. i'm honestly afraid that i'm going to hurt them. that's SAD. i wish i was in shape, at least. i wish my legs weren't so gross looking. i wish my stomach wasn't as protruding or large. i wish i was so fucking heavy.
</pitiful>
sorry. i told you my self esteem had committed suicide. it has jumped out the window and landed smack on the concrete.
there's no coming back to life.
(btw, i decided not to go through with the social services thing. it's not the right decision right now. i'll elaborate later... maybe.)
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[Sunday
3:32pm June 12th] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 excited |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
raddddio... b101.5!!! |
] |
the last 25 and a half hours kicked major booty. well, the whole weekend did, but this post is centered on the last 25 and a half hours.
kenny and chris were supposed to come over at like 1-ish, but didn't show up til 3. so they came, we left, and went to borders. ran into brittany, who spent the rest of the afternoon with us. me and her ran away from the boys, and then they ran away from us. well, we were dont hiding, but apparently, they weren't. we looked EVERYWHERE. all the aisles. the bathrooms. both of them. we even had the customer service desk page them over the intercom. and, lo and behold, ten minutes later, the losers walk through the door. they went to michael's and petsmart WITHOUT US. so we kicked them. anyway, we walked all the way over to target, where brittany picked up her pictures. we were all awlking around, and then me and brittany ran away again without chris and kenny knowing. we got sodas and brittany got a hotdog, and we waited. and waited. and waited. so they finally figured out where we went, after searching the whole store. lol. we hung out for a bit there just talking and taking pictures. after that, we walked allll the way back to borders, where chris had parked, so we got in the car and went to bruster's. bothered lindsay, who apparently works there, and got ice cream!!! yay! it was hot outside, so it was good. and we ate it. i got peanut butter crunch, chris got oreo something or other, kenny got an oreo shake thing, and brittany got a kiddie cone... it had eyeballs!!! we sat around out there and ate them, and took pictures. lol, chris was attacking his ice cream, and then it melted all over his hands, so he had a hard time getting all the sticky ice cream off.... QUITE amusing. we drove brittany over to pancho villa, where her parents were waiting for her. chris found a bottle of water in his car that we poured all over our hands... apparently, the bottle had been there for a while, because it was BAKED. meaning hot. soooo we left from there and went to teepo's where my lovely boys dropped me off. teehee.
kim was there, but she had to leave for work. me and teepo went to the mall, where we saw these kick ass choppers... apparently, there was some sort of show in the mall. i took pictures. ooooooh, I WAN TTHE ORANGE ONE, JENNY!!!! you'll see what i mean when i post the pics, people. anyway, we went in hot topic and got some Gir shoelaces... two pairs, and we traded one of each, so now we both have the same shoelaces... woot! lol, went down to the dollar tree, and got lotsa stuff, like soda things and glo-sticks. i got this nifty bracelet, too... preeeeeetty. left there, went to help jenny's gma at her church with putting stuff in the van, and then went to Rite Aid for a sale they were having (jenny woks there, too). got a diary, which i left at jenny's >.<, purple and white nail polish, orange lipstick, and hair de. when we got back to her house, we dyed it, and now it's brown... yup, brown. but it's not justbrown, it's dark and pretty. i'm wondering what people are going to say. i'll post pics sometime. hmm. anyway, ate some fooood, she played mario, kim came over again with a friend, this guy named chris, lol... not shearin, though he reminded us of kenny, chris, and chad put together. we hung out for a while, did the dye thing, played ddr, and ended up crashing, eventually.
this morning, woke up, jenny had to go to work, and kimmy was still asleep when the rest of us left. got home, got changed and such, and went to church. teenpraise was performing GODSPELL today, and it was PHENOMENAL. yes. phenomenal. i swear, i was REALLY clos to crying when they did the crucifixition... i know the guy who was playing Jesus, his name's Rory. EXCELLENT singer, EXCELLENT actor, EXCELLENT guy. EXCELLENT christian, too. he's deep. I've talked to him before. deep. anyway, when that was over, me, shaw (JUST KIDDING) i mean jessica, kenny, and chris hung out for a while. kenny drove me home. and here i am.
this weekend was good. i shall post the pictures later. yum.
we're leaving in like 10 minutes to go look at a 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath townhouse. 800$ a month. in he BP area. WOOT. we'll see.
adieu.
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[Tuesday
6:33pm June 7th] |
| [ |
mood |
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 RAWR ITS HOT OUTSIDE |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
something on the radio... 'kiss from a rose on the grave..." |
] |
AGIASHGISDHGSKDGNKSDGHSIG i hate power outages.
i was going to post this last night, and i was about to, but the goddamned power just HAD to go out. goddamned power.
anyway.
here are the pictures. as promised. i have MILLIONS.
( MILLIONS OF PICTURES, PICTURES FOR ME. MILLIONS OF PICTURES, PICTURES FOR FREE. )
well, that's all for now, folks. i'll have more next entry, and that bunch will include:
-my room!
-the glorious... WALL!!!
-'hmm, i wonder what's in there?.."
-me. yes. me. when i was bored with the camera.
-more of schoolness.
and more of other stuff too.
IM OUT, LOVES.
later.
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[Sunday
9:44pm June 5th] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Backstreet Boys - 'Incomplete' (hey, this isn't too bad!!) |
] |
today =
-looked at mobile homes. didn't find any, because it is sunday and they were all closed.
-cleaned.
-listened to my stereo, which i finally got plugged in. i havent seen that thing in 3 years, but my mom decided to haul it over here because she doesnt want it anymore. funny, SHE doesn't want it anymore, but it was mine in the first place... hmm.
-cleaned.
-drank milk.
-watched band of brothers.
-cleaned.
-cleaned.
-cleaned.
-cleaned.
-cleaned.
-cleaned.
does that give you an idea of how it all went?
it has just recently occurred to me that i have a paper due tmrw. i don't remember what it is supposed to be about. greeeat.
i'll have a shitloas of pictures up on here tmrw. it'll take me forever, but i'm bound and determined to get it done. got tons from school, so nasty dissection pictures, and yes, a few of muah, the master of this domain. yes. A FEW. be warned, thou shalt be blinded.
i need sleep.
btw, i came to a decision today. actually, it was yesterday, when i was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and reading my new book with my windows open. i OFFICALLY, and i mean officially, am not looking for a boyfriend. i don't need that shit right now. it took me a few lengthy myspace entries about some of my friend's and thier significant-other-issues. i've got moere important things to work on, like my writing. and yes, schoolwork, regardless of the fact that i have like a week left of school. i need to concentrate on stuff that's going to get me somewhere, not silly little boys that are immature and laugh at the words 'boob' and 'pee'. i swear... i might be 16, and i know that's not old, but sometimes i wish that i had a few mentally stimulating people around that can STILL have fun. idk, ignore what i just said right there. i'll explain someday.
eh, i'm done.
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[Saturday
5:46pm June 4th] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Breaking Benjamin - 'Rain' |
] |
my dad took away my compuer til my room is clean. pyscho.
so i'm using my brother's. and he's throwing cups at me.
the house is out. no house for the mcmaster's family. look's like we're going to have to resort to the ONE thing we didn't want to do.
buy a mobile home.
yes, i said it. we're looking into buying oe, because none of them are for rent, and stafford is gay. THERES NO WHERE TO RENT IN OUR PRICE RANGE. NOT EVEN APARTMENTS. i hate stafford. alot. but we can't move anywhere else.
as far as i know, i'm also going to north stafford. ohhhhh great.
time for movies. Ocean's 11 nd Ocean's 12. its a package deal for 5 bucks on pay-per-view. we're forcing my dad into it. yay-ness.
i'm so goddamn bored. i'm not allowed out of the house at all this weekend. apparently i'm grounded ebcause my room isn't clean. once my room is clean? i'm still grounded. isn't he an idiot? i hate the sonofabitch.
i'm out. later.
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[Thursday
9:16pm June 2nd] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 chipper |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Three Doors Down - Changes |
] |
wow, i am SO sorry for the emo post back there. i had four minutes to write it in, i was rambling, and my muchos apologies. MUCHOS. sincerely. my father was just being a total dick. again. you can just forget what i said.... for now...
ANYWAY.
today was good. better then i thought it would be. some shit went down this morning, and i was scared of the result for a while. no, it wasn't bad,like a fight or whatever.... it was just something. anyway, i got my results, which were so-so, but then something made me change my mind and brightened up my day a whole lot more.
i need eight dollars. i've got three. who's got five? ima steal dollars from people tmrw. no more soda. just borrowing money. lol, i feel so bad about it, too. but i need it. hmm. maybe i can offer to do somebody's homework? well, first i have to do my own. but still.
i think i might be starting to like my life a little bit. i'm getting out of my depression, somewhat, and i'm liking some things. other things, im still confused and lost about, some things i still loathe, some things m still kinda sad about. but some things are seeming brighter. i like my friends. i think i'm about to learn who are my real ones, though. maybe not anytime soon, but theres always a chance. have you ever had that feeling? i dont like it.
hmm.
i wanna go write, but im getting mucho bloackage in my brain. hmmmmmm.
later-o.
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[Wednesday
9:11pm June 1st] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bitchy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Chevelle - 'Emotional Drought' |
] |
today was long. and okay, for the most part. drama class was full of mixed emotions, as usual, but not for reasons anyone might suspect.
marcus and kenny did thier scene, which was utterly HILARIOUS. they were both gay, and marcus was positively flamboyant... they were professing thier love for one another. it ended in a rather awkward hug, that i dont think was supposed to happen, but it did, and it was great.
then we moved onto an improv skit called The Hitchhiker. it's complicated. four people in a car. all of them are the same type of character. then a hitchhiker comes. is a totally new type of character. gets in the car. driver gets out, every shifts seats. suddenly everyone in the car is the hitchhikers character type. it's that way with each hitchhiker. thats a long story short.
first i was a germophobe. then i became someone with tourette's syndrome, thanks to chad. then, kudos to roxie, we all became pregnant women, including chad and nathaniel, which was quite amusing. and then i became the driver. our hitchhiker was marcus.
so i get in the front seat, to pick him up. we all took a minute to figure out what his character type was. it was kind confusing. he was really jumpy and itchy, looked kind of nervous. i couldn't figure it out until he took a drag from a make beleive joint.
he was a drug addict.
i was in shock, i couldn't act. pssht, screw that, i couldn't even move. it's bad enough i grew up with one... no, two. now i have to act like one? no, i'm sorry, that's a little bit too out of my comfort zone. okay i lied. ALOT out of my comfort zone. and i would really appreciate no one commenting on this telling me that i should grow up and get over it because it's just drama class. no. it's not just drama class. it's not just acting. it's not just pretend. to me, it's a lot more.
i am in SUCH a bad mood. then i got a comment on my myspace blog, which absolutely made my day. i have a few wonderful friends. actually, for now, i have alot of wonderful friends. but i'm wondering how much longer those wonderful friends are going to stick around. circumstances change, secrest get uncovered, people get scared... have you ever noticed how often that happens in real life? guess that's just the way it goes.
EDITEDITEDIT
oh dear god, i'm breaking down... this is all too much... i have to go soon.... but.... just know... that if im not okay tmrw...... its all my fault...... i feel so pathetic, so worthless.... its getting to be so that i can hardly move...... i cant stop shaking, cant stop crying.... i dont understand what i did.... what did i do to deserve this?.... i'm i realy that bad, am i really taht bad of a person?... he hates me now, just wait til i tell him.... my new name.... my new name is 'fucking liar'.... my brother and i each took two cookies after school today.... and my dad broke us both down..... told us how pathetic we were.... how incredibly stupid and worthless..... our new names are fucking lair 1 and fucking liar 2..... it was two cookies.... i mean, i can understand being yelled at... but you dont understnad just how bad.... just what he said... everything..... i dont know what to do.. its not just this... its other things.... other secrets.... god, what am i doing..... its not all my fault... its not like i could choose... i didnt have a choice on some things.... im so confused.... so lost.... im feeling so broken, so.... unwanted.... what am i going to do?.... i cant tell, cant trust.... oh god....
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[Wednesday
12:06am June 1st] |
nothing too much really happened today. except that i absolutely adore my friend megan. i'm starting to realize just who my real friends are. starting is the key word - seeings how i haven't completed the process.
i ate salt water taffy.
no news on the house yet.
my dad is being a dick, as usual. we went to Walmart to pick up some stuff, not a whole lot. we were joking around, and whatnot, like we normally do if we're in a good mood. all i wanted to do was look at some bathing suits, right? i didn't want to buy one, i just wanted to look. my old one is ripped in the ass because i sat down on cement too often the last time i used it. so i wanted to look. i figured i could see what i liked, get a price range, and that way i'd know how much to ask for from my mom. god forbid i simply look. no, he's got to make this big ass scene in he middle of the Walmart, saying quite loudly, "No, Jessica, you can't look at bathing suits, not now - it's not like any would fit you anyway, you need to lose weight first." He thought that was fucking hilarious. Nobody else, including myself, did. One woman looked at him in disgust and turned to me with this im-so-sorry-you-have-to-live-with-him look in her eyes.
so then we had to go get cigarettes at the Wawa. no, we HAVE to get them from Wawa, it's not like we could have just as easily gotten the same kind at Walmart. so we go to Wawa. he gets coffee, because it's apparently too hard to make at our house. this is how it went.
me: "Can I get a donut?"
dad: "Pssht, no, of course not."
me: "Well... what about coffee?"
dad: "No!"
me: "Can I get ANYTHING?"
(we procede to counter)
dad: "Jess, you don't need anything to eat. I already told you that you need to start losing weight, and that means eating less."
Now let me, at this time, mention who is working behind the counter at this PRECISE second. Yes, the infamous, yet incredibly good looking, Zach Sampson. Keep this in mind.
me: "You really shouldn't smoke."
dad: "It's not like I care."
me: "So I noticed..."
(dad pulls out this wad of cash - mostly 20s and 100s)
(hands the cashier - a woman, Zach is at the next one over - a 20 dollar bill)
dad: "I probably have $1.88 in my pocket, too. Damn. Oh well, I need the $1's anyway."
me: "Why?"
dad: "So I can tip the strippers."
me: "EXCUSE ME?"
dad: "You heard me."
(i walk out in disgust after hitting him with the back of my hand)
dad (as i'm walking): "Hey, this will probably be enough to buy me a lapdance..."
And this was in the middle of a crowded wawa, in front of somebody that I go to school with, and dozens of strangers.
I don't know if he was kidding or not, and I don't particularly care. He crossed the line. He crossed the line along time ago. He crossed the line and is doing dances on this side of it.
I'm sorry, but my dad is a dick. An asshole. A jerk. An idiot. A bastard.
Aaaaand I hate him.
That kind of ruined my day.
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[Monday
5:29pm May 30th] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 busy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Breaking Benjamin - 'Rain' |
] |
Got into a huge ass fight with my dad on sunday after noon. I think he got pissed at his girlfriend, so he started throwing shit at me. He hit me in my eye, too, and it started watering... I really wasn't crying, it didn't hurt THAT bad. But it stared watering up really bad, and he was yelling at me, teling me to stop being a baby and to grow up. I've never going to make it in the world if I cry, apparently. No, it's totally my fault that my body had an involuntary reaction to being hurt. Hmm. I think he also called me a pussy or a bitch of something when he walked out. Idk, I couldn't hear him, and I didn't really want to.
Then he saving grace came when my dad told Jason he could go over to the Thompson's house. What's funny is that I'd asked him on Saturday if I could go, and he said no and that we weren't allowed to spend the night anywhere this weekend. So when Jason told me that he was going, I went into my dad's room and said, "So Dad, can I go over to the Thompson's too? Considering you're letting Jason go when you said neither of us could go anywhere... I don't think it's very fair if one can go when you said niether." All I heard him say, after thinking about it, was, "....Shit."
So I went.
HAD A BLAST. I'll be getting alot of pics when Jamie posts them. YUMYUM. We camped out in her front yard. AHIAGHISDHT I won't say any more til I get the pics. Lol.
Then today my dad picked us up and immediately started bitching at me about my room... which I am in the process of cleaning, by the way. I didn't say anything. We drove around for two hours or so, looking at places to rent. The original place we were looking at was pretty bad, I didn't like it at all. It was a STORE, with an apartment behind it and a apartment above it. And there was nothing in the store. So no. None of us really liked it. So.... no.
We drove around for a while more, looking at mobile homes... got a couple of numberes here and there, my dad's gonna call them tmrw. But the one place that stood out the most was this ADORABLE little cottage... 3 bedrooms TWO OF THEM IN THE ATTIC, 1 bath which is supposed to be pretty big, I think, a WOOD STOVE in the living room, and a cute little backyard with a garden. I WANT IT. My dad's new job (which he's prolly gonna get) pays more then we get right now, like three thousand or so more, and the rent per month on the cottage is like... 1,050. Which is more then we pay now. BUT since the job pays more, we should be able to do it. I WANT IT SO BAD. You have no idea.... lemme find the picture....
http://www.fredericksburg.com/Homes/detail?list_numb=ST5207220&prevList=http://www.fredericksburg.com/Homes/Listings?county=STAFFORD&rentals=1
Okay, just click that to see it. ISN'T IT CUTE!?!?! And I'd still get to go to Brooke Point.... Dammit, I really wanna live there.....
AUGH.
Yeah. So I guess I'm doing good. I've been having some problems, though... Questions, more like it... Lemme put it this way. My faith is definitely being put to the test. Some things have arisen that are making me think, and idk if I can withstand all of it. I also can't make any decisions yet, either... it's going to take some think-age.
Oh well.
LATER-o.
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[Saturday
11:39pm May 28th] |
oh wow. i'm a nerd. a big nerd. i was a nerd before, but now... it's just that much worse.
i blame christopher shearin for addicting me to... yes...
Dungeons and Dragons.
this game is AWESOME.
that's all that need be said.
i spent 8 hours at his house playing it. from 2 to 10. i'm a level 7 female Elf Druid named Saranel Siannodel.
you know i rock.
today was great. apple juice, the CROSSBOW, resident evil 4, te long faced sad man. I WAS DEAD!!!!, SO WAS KYLE!!!!, Fred the Zombie, the midget that lives in the downstairs bathroom, pretty cat!, candy like whoa, the princess hat and the beanie, 'i think i'll use my crossbow...', CHOCOLATE-O, the scary metronome, the piano.... many other things.
IF YOU LIVE NEAR ME AND YOU WANT TO LARP NEXT WEEKEND, CONTACT ME. (LARP = Live Action Role Play) WE MIGHT DO IT NEXT WEENEND, IN MY WOODS. THIS MEANS EVERYONE THAT LIVES CLOSE TO ME. TEEPO. JAMIE. CAIT. ANDREA. ....OTHER PEOPLE. CONTACT ME IF INTERESTED, OR WANT FURTHER DETAILS.
later-ness.
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[Friday
8:39pm May 27th] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Three Doors Down - Dangerous Games |
] |
chris rock makes me laugh.
so does chris shearin.
hey... they have the same first name...
i'm an idiot.
today was slow. nothing really happened. saw some WWII vets during third period, that was neat. this one guy was hilarious...Bill Sams, i think. 80 something years old. imagine him saying this when asked about his thoughts when he first heard what happened at Pearl Harbour...
"I can sum it up in a few words for yah. 'Where the hell is Pearl Harbour?'"
i know it doesnt seem too funny now... its just.... he's this 80 year old man that looks like a turtle... and he said that so randomly.... he got so serious, so somber... it was like he was going to say "I have never felt mosr terrible, more angry, more morose about it" or something like that... but instead he's like WHERE THE HELL IS PEARL HARBOUR?
I guess you kinda had to be there.
The most hilarious conversation from Drama Class... ever.
Me: I have Starburst in my pocket!
Chris: WHAT?!
Me: I said I have Starburst in my pocket.
Chris: Oh... Jeez, i thought you said you had Starbucks in your pocket.
Me: Oh yeah, Chris, I carry the whole store around in my jeans.
Chris: Dude, your leg would have to be, like... hollow...
Me: Wouldn't that be kind of cool? To have a coffee maker in your leg?
Chris: Yeah, you could just reach in your pocket and flip on a switch, and then when the coffee is done, you just reach in your calf and there you go! Instant coffee.
Me: ::laughs::
Chris: HEY WAIT A SECOND!!! Coffee is 'caffineted', right?
Me: Yeah...
Chris: Well, if the coffee came out of you calf, it would be 'CALFINETED'!!
I guess you kind of had to be there for that one, too.
I have some weird friends. I want more of them. Teehee.
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[Thursday
8:31pm May 26th] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Three Doors Down -This Time |
] |
i was right, and everybody else was wrong. chad doesn't like me. oh well. i'm not crushed or anything - thats the upside to being a pessimist.
what ticks me off is that everyone was so sure of themselves, so sure that he liked me. people that didn't even know him were sure that he liked me. everyone was so sure that they were right. and they weren't. i was. and i am so god damn tired of no one taking my opinion seriously, just because it's not the bright and cheery side of things. sometimes the sad stuff/bad stuff/not so bright and cheery stuff DOES happen and IS right. this pissed me off at the beginning of the year, too; when no one was taking me seriously. i guess old habits die hard.
i'm also pissed beacuse since everyone kept saying things like that, that he like dme and such... it started to give me a little bit of hope for today. by 6th period, i was nervous... but also kind of looking forward to it. people made me believe, or almost beleive, that maybe he did like me. i'm tired fo the hope. its better when i have none... then i can only be pleasantly surprised.
agh.
jessica, cait, we need to go to that club we were talking about. and we need to find us some boys, jess. i'm serious.
oh well, now that i know the truth for absolute positive certain-ness, it will make it all the more easier to get over him.
ON TO THE NEXT VICTIM! i mean.... ON TO THE NEXT BOY!
*ahem*
i go through crushes too fast. do you all think so, or no?
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[Wednesday
3:24pm May 25th] |
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mood |
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aggravated |
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music |
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Three Doors Down - Changes |
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AAAAGH. DAMMIT.
i told you i hate liking boys. i hate liking this boy.
kenny made it PAINFULLY obvious in drama class today that i have feelings for said boy. PAINFULLY. so much so that either he's really stupid or he's figured it out, and what's funny is that he's not stupid. lol.
im screwed. lol.... oooooooh, im screwed. i made the mistake of letting the two people who should have never found out find out. kenny and chris. yeah, chris knows too. dammit.
damn it all.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH.
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[Tuesday
6:04pm May 24th] |
sorry for the last emo post.
i dont really feel like updating right now, but i will anyway.
hmm, what to say.
scenes in drama with caitcait are coming along nicely.
i like a boy.
i hate liking boys.
my dreams have been getting severely worse.
im going to a chorus concert tonight.
"i smell star wars." - chris. as usual.
"i mean, i adore natalie portman. seriously. it's like... ::bows in worship::" - our sub in drama class, talking about padme.
AHH JENNY'S ALMOST HERE. I'd update more, but i gotta go. i'll edit this later. or just make a new one. idk. adios, muchachos.
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| i hate myself |
[Sunday
10:15pm May 22nd] |
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mood |
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alone. |
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music |
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Breaking Benjamin - 'Rain' |
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i feel like i'm dying inside.
i don't know who to trust. i don't think i can trust. after recent events, i'm beginning to loath myself... and this isn't just hate. i mean, serious loathing. i can't stand myself, i can't stand to be around myself, i can't stand to be around other people because i'm afraid. i can't even fucking explain what i'm going through. how sad.
everything is going downhill.
i love someone, with everything i am, but it's not a romantic love. i dont have a crush on this person, i don't like them like that. but i love them. and i misused our friendship. i feel horrible. still. everything that happened has already happened, its all over and done with, its all over. but it's not. they say it is, but it's not. it never will be, ever again. something changed, because of me, and now nothing will ever be te same.
i want to lay out in a field. i want to stare at the sky and just think. i don't want to be alone anymore. i want people, but i can't have people... i dont trust myself with people. i want to melt into a cloud... i want to dissolve my problems into that pretty blue sky. i want to forget, but i dont want to be alone.
i wish i wasnt so alone. i wish i wasnt so drastically alone. the people that i want near me are pushing me away, the people that i love, that person that i love is puching me away, and its my fault.
i feel so... lost.
i feel like i'm dying inside. i cant figure out.... what to do....
i dont understand. i should change. i need to change. i should change who i am. who i am.... what ive become... its horrible... im not the same, i dont know what happened.... im so confused..... im not jessica.... im some horrible bitch to everyone.... how did this happen?.... why am i so..... i dont even know.... i'm questioning certain aspects of my life, things that i was so resolved in.... and its not for certain reasons, its for others.... but if i tell people, if i explain to people.... they wouldnt understand... theyd think i was lying, or insane, or both..... i dont know what to do.... i know im not making sense.... not even to myself, i dont know how i could ever expect anyone to understand if i myself dont.... i need to stop shaking....
i want a hug.... from somebody.... i know who, i just wont say who.... i want a hug from them, but not a normal hug.... i want one of those hugs where you dont let go... its not just a hug.... its like a connection.... a bond.... it lasts forever.... i want to be held and hold on to this somebody, i want to know that i didnt really lose them, i want to know that i didnt really screw up, that it was all just a bad dream, like the rest of them.... i feel so insecure, so angry at myself, so utterly alone... i know im repeating myself... but thats how i am.... it all ties back to the loneliness.... this feeling of detachment from human life, i dont understand.... i cant stop thinking about that hug... ive never had one like that.... i want it, i need it, i crave it.... i dont get it.... it would make everything seem alright for those moments... those moments where nothing else matters....
i want to spend a day doing nothing but sitting..... sitting in that field, with that sky, and those clouds, and that person.... im so attached, but im shoving myself away now, because i was pushed away in the first place.... it sounds like i'm in love with them... and i am... but its not that type of love.... like i said before... its not romantic, its not a crush, its human love, like a friendship love but stronger..... i want that field, that sky, those clouds, that person, for just a day... nothing else..... i want honesty, i want no lies, i want pure and simple heart to heart conversation.... i want a good laugh, i want a good cry, i want thier shoulder to lean on, i want to hold and be held.... i want that hug......
i want too much, and i hate it. i want too much, and i want what i can't have.
i'll delete this post later. nobody will read it anyway. nobody will care. nobody will do anything. i sound like an idiot.
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[Sunday
6:31pm May 22nd] |
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mood |
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 =| |
] |
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music |
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Chevelle - 'Panic Prone' |
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my weekend was good. well, odd too. good and odd. what a magical couple. oh, and scary. very scary.
good, odd, and scary. hmm.
spent it all at jen's. played DDR mad crazy, talked for hours on end, went to a Bank Zero concert which twas FUN AS HELL if you pardon jenny's pun, played DDR mad crazy some more, ate brownies, went to a barbeque, took pictures that I will eventually post on here, hyperventalated once or twice, listened to music, read, got scratched on the chest by jenny's cat, was horrifically scared, had a horrible nightmare, went to church, got depressed because of the nightmare and a certain someone that was IN the nightmare whom I saw at church, went back to jen's, went home, got wawa coffee, saw Star Wars, came home, and now I'm here.
yeah, it was good, odd, and scary.
moving on.
then again, there's not much to move on to. my life seems to be rapidly slipping away, and i'm confused/lost/depressed/i have no fucking idea what to do about it anymore. oh well.
i'm starting to lose myself. let's just put it that way.
i need to go write. i haven't worked on my book in a very long time.
::le sigh::
later. much later.
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[Wednesday
10:47pm May 18th] |
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mood |
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today was bad again. |
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music |
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my dad yelling at me from the other room, actually. ironic.. |
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i hate my father. let me make that clear to all of you right now.
well, no, to say i hate him is essentially a lie. 'hate' could be taken many ways. i do not hate my father to a point where i do not love him. i do not hate my father the way i hate my mother.
i hate my father because he is an arrogant, abusive bastard.
i was sitting there, minding my own business, on the recliner, when my dad comes up behind me, and for no apparent reason, hits me upside the head. so i yell, like any sane person would, out of both surprise and anger, because i wasn't expecting it, nor did i like it. so what does he do? he does it again. so i yelled again, telling him to knock it off. so he hits me again. this time i was ready for it, so i reached behind me to grab his arms. as i did so, he twisted out of my grip, and slammed the side of his hand into my ear, which preceded to jam my earring to the tightest it could go. and he did this because i did what? was sitting on the recliner, minding my own business? oh, yesh, i see how that's fair. i didn't say anything to piss him off, i didn't do anything to him...i was simply SITTING there. he didn't even tell me why he hit me. it certainly wasn't just for fun, because that is NOT how you play around. after jamming my earring up, he laughed. like it was actually funny. i told him to stop. so he hit the top of my head and laughed again.
so i got up and ran over to him. we started slamming arms and so on and so forth. he was laughing, and i was being careful, though extremely pissed off. then all of a sudden, he gets this look of utter rage on his face, and drags me under him, slamming me into the floor, door, and wall combined. i roll out from under him and ask him what the hell his problem is. what does he say? that he's allowed to. and to quote him directly, "my leg is fucking broken, and you've still got the nerve to hit me."
i find him pathetically ironic. no, wait, just pathetic in general.
this just adds to a list of abuse, though i must say, this is the worst it's been so far physically. most of it is emotional... you know, the usual, 'you amount to nothing', 'you're a pathetic attempt at a human being', 'i cant beleive you actually have friends', 'you'll ge no where in life', so on and so forth. the list of inslts goes ever on. i'm tired of dealing with his bullshit, and if he hits me again, i'm either going to call the cops or i'm leaving for a friends house. or both.
out of everyone you will ever meet, i am one of those that are avidly against child abuse. not just child abuse, but hitting children in general. i dont know how many of you reading this have ever been abused, mentally, physically, emotionally, on any level, but abuse is wrong. there are more then one type of abuse, too. some people, many of those abusers themselves, may call it 'discipline'. no. discipline should NOT include any form of physical harm to the child. there are other ways, which include verbal approaches... oh but wait. if we step back and look at society today, actual speaking is too much work. it's just so much easier to mercilessly beat a child into submission. and sometimes, it doesn't even go that far. i am completely against any physical abuse whatsoever. this includes spanking, slapping, grabbing forcefully, punching, beating, smacking hands or heads, the list goes ever on. i am against any emotional/mental abuse, as well: screaming, insulting harshly, public display of discipline, cursing, et cetera.
i am in no way saying i've been beaten. because i haven't. i have never been bruised, at least not too badly, the skin has never been broken, there are no scars. all my scars are... emotional, mental. that's why it would never hold up in court. i don't have physical scars on my body, therefore i am lying and am trying to get attention. all the 'pyschological crap', as it has been coined by those before my time, is a load of bullshit in court: any good lawyer could prove me false of lying, even though i wouldnt be. like i said, i've never been beaten. i cannot physically sympathize wth those who have. but i know what it is like to be beaten internally, to have such harsh words pounded into my head over and over agian until i finally started to believe them. i know what it's like to feel like nothing, to feel as though i could crawl into a hole and never return, and no one would be any the wiser. i know what it's like to feel like dying. to feel like you are dying inside. to want to die. and it's horrible.
my father is nothing but fuel in the fire, the same as my mother. though i hate my mother with a different type of hate... i hate her with a loathing, a deep passionate hate that only demons or murderers could beget. with my father, it is a pity-hate. i hate him with regret, with solace, with sorrow. it is a murderous hate, a hate that cannot be quelled. my father is, in simple terms, pathetic. i cannot respect him in some senses, because they way he treats me is shameful and not worthy of respect. it is dsigusting. he is part of the reason i am what i am today. a self mutilating, morbid girl... not even a girl, i am a creature. a self mutilating, morbid creature that is fascinated with mortal, human death. but that is only one part of me. my dark part. no... it is only part of my dark part. (i have many parts. everybody does. one day, i shall make a list to sahre with you all. one day. perhaps that will be my next project.)
i do believe this is enough ranting for one day. i've had a pretty bad one. no, scratch that, a pretty bad week. okay, i lied... try bad month. or two. or three. or more?
and it's nobody's fault but my own, i suppose.
::sigh::
til next time, loves.
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[Tuesday
7:21pm May 17th] |
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mood |
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 pathetic. |
] |
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music |
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American Idol? This Bo guy is really good... |
] |
Something about today was just... off.
People seem quiet nowadays. It isn't a good quiet, not the kind of quiet you want to have around when you have a headache or you are annoyed with something. It is the kind of quiet that tells you something is wrong. Nobody says it, but it's wrong. It's sitting there, just underneath the surface of everybody's skin, and it's ready to pop out. It's there, and it's wrong, and nobody does a damn thing about it. It's a tension, like guitar strings being tightened too much, or a piece of plastic being stretched to the breaking point. That's what it was, tension. It was so fucking thick, you could cut it with a knife.
Everybody's got something shoved up their ass, but they're all too egotistical to say anything or complain about one another. It's like throwing a fucking dinner party where all the guests are nice to one another's faces but deep inside they want to grab that inconspicuous fork lying on the pretty little silk-clothed table and stab their eyes out. My school has become that dinner party. Everybody hates everybody else, and everybody wants to be nice to everybody else so that they won't be hated... little do they know that they already are. It's a dinner party, and I feel like the host. Like it's my fault that everybody is jammed into the same little room together and they secretly despise me for it. Well, everybody's hatred of little old Jessica isn't so secret anymore. ::sigh::
I feel washed up. Like my time has come and gone. I know I'm only 16, but age doesn't make a difference anymore. Have you ever had that feeling that your special moment to shine has been filled up, that you've been replaced? That you no longer have a reason to be happy, that you no longer have a reason to be the person you once were?
I've recently begun to think alot about who I am as a person. Not in a vain way, mind you, but more from a the standpoint of somebody who's not me. I look at myself from how somebody else might view me, and to be brutally honest: I absolutely cannot stand it. I loathe what I've become, I loathe it with a passion. I can see why people don't like me. I know this all sounds quite repetitive: that's because it's a much more calm approach to my last breakdown after the Chris incident. To be quite realistic, I'm rude, self-centered, cocky at times, very insulting, uncaring, and unbelievably untrustworthy. Yes, I know what you might be thinking. 'How could someone say something like that?' or 'C'mon, this is just a part of growing up, you'll get over feeling like this'. No, I beg to differ, if that is what you're thinking. I'm not complaining about this, though it bothers me greatly; I'm merely commentating about how I think others view me. And how I view their views.
To sum how I feel up?
Like someone has taken a huge boulder, put it on the end of a club, bore a great big hole in my head, filled that hole with steaming hot pitch, wrapped me up with barbed wire, asked me trivia questions (all the while tightening the wires each time I got one wrong), smashed all my joints in with hammers, so on and so forth, insert-more-painful-random-events-here.
And this is on a daily basis.
::sigh::
I'm sorry, I just don't feel like a good friend. I've got this little feeling in the back of my head that I'm doing something wrong, and I am. I'm letting people down, and I know it. They don't have to tell me, I just know it. My dreams have been getting more violent, and as much as it pains me to go to school with these people... I have to. I hate it. I don't want to get up anymore, I don't want to see these people anymore. As much as I love them, I know it's not returned, and it hurts to see them when I've been dreaming such terrible things. I know, my dreams aren't real... but somehow they are. Not on a physical level... idk, none of you would understand if I tried to explain it.
Just know that I feel like a bad friend. I feel like a bad person. I always have been one.
The vampire sighed. He leaned back against the chair and looked at the walls. "At first I thought he was another doctor, or someone summoned by the family to try to reason with me. But this suspicion was removed at once. He stepped close to my bed and leaned down so that his face was in the lamplight, and I saw that he was no ordinary man at all. His gray eyes burned with an incandescence, and the long white hands which hung by his sides were not those of a human being. I think I knew everything in that instant, and all that he told me was only aftermath. What I mean is, the moment I saw him, saw his extraordinary aura and knew him to be no creature I'd ever known, I was reduced to nothing. That ego which could not accept the presence of an extraordinary human being in it's midst was crushed. All my conceptions, even my guilt and wish to die, seemed utterly unimportant. I completely forgot myself!" he said, now silently touching his breast with his fist. "I forgot myself totally. And in the same instant knew totally the meaning of possibility. From then on I experienced only increasing wonder. As he talked to me and told me of what I might become, of what his life had been and stood to be, my past shrank to embers. I saw my life as if I stood apart from it, the vanity, the self-serving, the constant fleeing from one petty annoyance after another, the lip service to God and the Virgin and a host of saints whose names filled my prayer books, none of whom made the slightest difference in a narrow, materialistic, and selfish existence. I saw my real gods... the gods of most men. Food, drink, and security in conformity. Cinders."
The boy's face was tense with a mixture of confusion and amazement. "And so you decided to become a vampire?" he asked. The vampire was silent for a moment.
"Decided. It doesn't seem the right word. Yet I cannot say it was inevitable from the moment that he stepped into that room. No, indeed, it was not inevitable. Yet I can't say I decided. Let me say that when he'd finished speaking, no other decision was possible for me, and I pursued my course without a backwards glance. Except for one."
"Except for one? what?"
"My last sunrise," said the vampire. "That morning, i was not yet a vampire. And I saw my last sunrise.
"I remember it completely; yet I do not think I remember any other sunrise before it. I remember the light came first to the tops of the French windows, a paling behind the lace curtains, and then a gleam growing brighter and brighter in patches among the leaves of the trees. Finally the sun came through the windows themselves and he lace lay in shadows on the stone floor, and all over the form of my sister, who was still sleeping, shadows of lace on the shawl over her shoulders and head. As soon as she was warm, she pushed the shawl away without awakening, and then the sun shone full on her eyes and she tightened her eyelids. Then it was gleaming on the table where she rested her head in her arms, and gleaming, blazing, in the water in the pitcher. And I could feel it on my hands on the counterpane and then on my face. I lay in the bed thinking about all the things the vampire had told me, and then it was that I said good-bye to the sunrise and went out to become a vampire. It was... the last sunrise."
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