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yeah, i thought so. ADD ME DAMMIT.

(no subject)

well, it seems my self esteem isn't quite dead. it survived the fall from my window and is holding on with a ragged heartbeat. but it's holding on just barely.

went to target today. their selection was smaller but better. got a purple and black tankini. the top is the kind that comes all the way around in the back, but ties around my neck at the top... black with a light purple trim. the bottom is the same light purple with a black belt and a light purple buckle. it's cute, and it fits, and i don't look like THAT much of a cow.

i said THAT MUCH.



today was the last day of school. school is done. except for exams, and i only have three. woohoo. half day tmrw, then swimming, then half day on thursday, then i'm done.

since school is over, so is this eljay. i'm starting fresh, and i've decided that after the school year next year, i'll get a new one, too. so this new one fits me perfectly... it's exactly what i am.

theperfectflaw_

ADD ME, DAMMIT.

(no subject)

my self esteem just committed suicide. before i get into why, let me tell you about my day.

nothing happened.

...

this time, i'm serious. i was in SUCH a good mood at school... well, almost. you know what i mean. people liked my hair, even though VERY few people bothered to say anything... not that it matters. it aws just a pretty good day at school. then i came home. whatever, nothing happened. then my dad came home. whatever, nothing happened.

we went to walmart. and everything went downhill.

i need a bathing suit, plain and simple. my mom gave my 45$ to get one, and today we went to walmart. this shit is fucking pathetic, excuse my language. i'm getting a two piece, a tankini, because yes, i can actually fit in one. my stomach isn't the problem, not as much anyway. i know i've got a BIG stomach, but the tanktop covers that. it's my legs.

it's not like i don't exercise. god knows i don't eat enough as it is, and what i DO eat is normally healthy. well, as far as food goes, good outweighs the bad. i swear, i'm about ready to jsut give up ion eating altogether. no, im not talking about being anorexic. when i say stop eating, i mean stop eating anything that isn't dinner. dinner should suffice. i don't eat lunch, theres no time AND no money AND no food i can bring, and i don't eat breakfast because i don't have time OR money OR food. wait, that soulnds surprisingly like lunch. whatever. this shit.... i'm tired of hating myself so much, but i can't help it. no, this has NOTHING to do with my dad. i'm just REALLY insecure/REALLY overweight/REALLY pathetically disgustingly fat.

i don't look good in a bathing suit, at all, no matter what the type. i didn't even try on normal bikini bottoms. i tried on those boyshorts, the kind that almost look like shorts, but at the same time, don't. they cover up more then bikini bottoms do. but no matter what i do, no matter what i try, i feel uncomfortable in a bathing suit... in shorts at all!! i don't wear shorts to school, and i rarely ever wear short skirts... i only own one, and i wear that sparingly. i look so.... ugh, it's disgusting.

i keep telling myself it could be worse, and it definitely could. i've seen people that are worse off then me, and i'm by no means saying that you should pity me. i'm just so utterly fed up with myself. i DO exercise, when i can. now that summer is starting up, i think i may try to run more, but there's no guarentees, because of my knee. if i so much as run fast, it starts throbbing, and i don't know why. it annoys the shit out of me, because i need to lose this stupid weight, and soon.

i weigh freaking 180 something, which is like 40-50 more then i need to be. fuck, i'd settle for 150 right now. that would be heaven compared to this. i'm uncomfortable jumping or sitting on people, because i'm afraid that i'm going to hurt them. i'm honestly afraid that i'm going to hurt them. that's SAD. i wish i was in shape, at least. i wish my legs weren't so gross looking. i wish my stomach wasn't as protruding or large. i wish i was so fucking heavy.

</pitiful>


sorry. i told you my self esteem had committed suicide. it has jumped out the window and landed smack on the concrete.

there's no coming back to life.



(btw, i decided not to go through with the social services thing. it's not the right decision right now. i'll elaborate later... maybe.)
  • Current Mood
    uncomfortable insecure

(no subject)

the last 25 and a half hours kicked major booty. well, the whole weekend did, but this post is centered on the last 25 and a half hours.

kenny and chris were supposed to come over at like 1-ish, but didn't show up til 3. so they came, we left, and went to borders. ran into brittany, who spent the rest of the afternoon with us. me and her ran away from the boys, and then they ran away from us. well, we were dont hiding, but apparently, they weren't. we looked EVERYWHERE. all the aisles. the bathrooms. both of them. we even had the customer service desk page them over the intercom. and, lo and behold, ten minutes later, the losers walk through the door. they went to michael's and petsmart WITHOUT US. so we kicked them. anyway, we walked all the way over to target, where brittany picked up her pictures. we were all awlking around, and then me and brittany ran away again without chris and kenny knowing. we got sodas and brittany got a hotdog, and we waited. and waited. and waited. so they finally figured out where we went, after searching the whole store. lol. we hung out for a bit there just talking and taking pictures. after that, we walked allll the way back to borders, where chris had parked, so we got in the car and went to bruster's. bothered lindsay, who apparently works there, and got ice cream!!! yay! it was hot outside, so it was good. and we ate it. i got peanut butter crunch, chris got oreo something or other, kenny got an oreo shake thing, and brittany got a kiddie cone... it had eyeballs!!! we sat around out there and ate them, and took pictures. lol, chris was attacking his ice cream, and then it melted all over his hands, so he had a hard time getting all the sticky ice cream off.... QUITE amusing. we drove brittany over to pancho villa, where her parents were waiting for her. chris found a bottle of water in his car that we poured all over our hands... apparently, the bottle had been there for a while, because it was BAKED. meaning hot. soooo we left from there and went to teepo's where my lovely boys dropped me off. teehee.

kim was there, but she had to leave for work. me and teepo went to the mall, where we saw these kick ass choppers... apparently, there was some sort of show in the mall. i took pictures. ooooooh, I WAN TTHE ORANGE ONE, JENNY!!!! you'll see what i mean when i post the pics, people. anyway, we went in hot topic and got some Gir shoelaces... two pairs, and we traded one of each, so now we both have the same shoelaces... woot! lol, went down to the dollar tree, and got lotsa stuff, like soda things and glo-sticks. i got this nifty bracelet, too... preeeeeetty. left there, went to help jenny's gma at her church with putting stuff in the van, and then went to Rite Aid for a sale they were having (jenny woks there, too). got a diary, which i left at jenny's >.<, purple and white nail polish, orange lipstick, and hair de. when we got back to her house, we dyed it, and now it's brown... yup, brown. but it's not justbrown, it's dark and pretty. i'm wondering what people are going to say. i'll post pics sometime. hmm. anyway, ate some fooood, she played mario, kim came over again with a friend, this guy named chris, lol... not shearin, though he reminded us of kenny, chris, and chad put together. we hung out for a while, did the dye thing, played ddr, and ended up crashing, eventually.

this morning, woke up, jenny had to go to work, and kimmy was still asleep when the rest of us left. got home, got changed and such, and went to church. teenpraise was performing GODSPELL today, and it was PHENOMENAL. yes. phenomenal. i swear, i was REALLY clos to crying when they did the crucifixition... i know the guy who was playing Jesus, his name's Rory. EXCELLENT singer, EXCELLENT actor, EXCELLENT guy. EXCELLENT christian, too. he's deep. I've talked to him before. deep. anyway, when that was over, me, shaw (JUST KIDDING) i mean jessica, kenny, and chris hung out for a while. kenny drove me home. and here i am.

this weekend was good. i shall post the pictures later. yum.

we're leaving in like 10 minutes to go look at a 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath townhouse. 800$ a month. in he BP area. WOOT. we'll see.

adieu.
  • Current Music
    raddddio... b101.5!!!

(no subject)

AGIASHGISDHGSKDGNKSDGHSIG i hate power outages.

i was going to post this last night, and i was about to, but the goddamned power just HAD to go out. goddamned power.

anyway.

here are the pictures. as promised. i have MILLIONS.

Collapse )

well, that's all for now, folks. i'll have more next entry, and that bunch will include:

-my room!
-the glorious... WALL!!!
-'hmm, i wonder what's in there?.."
-me. yes. me. when i was bored with the camera.
-more of schoolness.

and more of other stuff too.

IM OUT, LOVES.

later.
  • Current Music
    something on the radio... 'kiss from a rose on the grave..."

(no subject)

today =

-looked at mobile homes. didn't find any, because it is sunday and they were all closed.
-cleaned.
-listened to my stereo, which i finally got plugged in. i havent seen that thing in 3 years, but my mom decided to haul it over here because she doesnt want it anymore. funny, SHE doesn't want it anymore, but it was mine in the first place... hmm.
-cleaned.
-drank milk.
-watched band of brothers.
-cleaned.
-cleaned.
-cleaned.
-cleaned.
-cleaned.
-cleaned.

does that give you an idea of how it all went?


it has just recently occurred to me that i have a paper due tmrw. i don't remember what it is supposed to be about. greeeat.

i'll have a shitloas of pictures up on here tmrw. it'll take me forever, but i'm bound and determined to get it done. got tons from school, so nasty dissection pictures, and yes, a few of muah, the master of this domain. yes. A FEW. be warned, thou shalt be blinded.

i need sleep.




btw, i came to a decision today. actually, it was yesterday, when i was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and reading my new book with my windows open. i OFFICALLY, and i mean officially, am not looking for a boyfriend. i don't need that shit right now. it took me a few lengthy myspace entries about some of my friend's and thier significant-other-issues. i've got moere important things to work on, like my writing. and yes, schoolwork, regardless of the fact that i have like a week left of school. i need to concentrate on stuff that's going to get me somewhere, not silly little boys that are immature and laugh at the words 'boob' and 'pee'. i swear... i might be 16, and i know that's not old, but sometimes i wish that i had a few mentally stimulating people around that can STILL have fun. idk, ignore what i just said right there. i'll explain someday.

eh, i'm done.
  • Current Music
    Backstreet Boys - 'Incomplete' (hey, this isn't too bad!!)

(no subject)

my dad took away my compuer til my room is clean. pyscho.

so i'm using my brother's. and he's throwing cups at me.


the house is out. no house for the mcmaster's family. look's like we're going to have to resort to the ONE thing we didn't want to do.

buy a mobile home.

yes, i said it. we're looking into buying oe, because none of them are for rent, and stafford is gay. THERES NO WHERE TO RENT IN OUR PRICE RANGE. NOT EVEN APARTMENTS. i hate stafford. alot. but we can't move anywhere else.

as far as i know, i'm also going to north stafford. ohhhhh great.

time for movies. Ocean's 11 nd Ocean's 12. its a package deal for 5 bucks on pay-per-view. we're forcing my dad into it. yay-ness.

i'm so goddamn bored. i'm not allowed out of the house at all this weekend. apparently i'm grounded ebcause my room isn't clean. once my room is clean? i'm still grounded. isn't he an idiot? i hate the sonofabitch.

i'm out. later.
  • Current Music
    Breaking Benjamin - 'Rain'

(no subject)

wow, i am SO sorry for the emo post back there. i had four minutes to write it in, i was rambling, and my muchos apologies. MUCHOS. sincerely. my father was just being a total dick. again. you can just forget what i said.... for now...

ANYWAY.

today was good. better then i thought it would be. some shit went down this morning, and i was scared of the result for a while. no, it wasn't bad,like a fight or whatever.... it was just something. anyway, i got my results, which were so-so, but then something made me change my mind and brightened up my day a whole lot more.

i need eight dollars. i've got three. who's got five? ima steal dollars from people tmrw. no more soda. just borrowing money. lol, i feel so bad about it, too. but i need it. hmm. maybe i can offer to do somebody's homework? well, first i have to do my own. but still.

i think i might be starting to like my life a little bit. i'm getting out of my depression, somewhat, and i'm liking some things. other things, im still confused and lost about, some things i still loathe, some things m still kinda sad about. but some things are seeming brighter. i like my friends. i think i'm about to learn who are my real ones, though. maybe not anytime soon, but theres always a chance. have you ever had that feeling? i dont like it.

hmm.

i wanna go write, but im getting mucho bloackage in my brain. hmmmmmm.

later-o.
  • Current Music
    Three Doors Down - Changes

(no subject)

today was long. and okay, for the most part. drama class was full of mixed emotions, as usual, but not for reasons anyone might suspect.

marcus and kenny did thier scene, which was utterly HILARIOUS. they were both gay, and marcus was positively flamboyant... they were professing thier love for one another. it ended in a rather awkward hug, that i dont think was supposed to happen, but it did, and it was great.

then we moved onto an improv skit called The Hitchhiker. it's complicated. four people in a car. all of them are the same type of character. then a hitchhiker comes. is a totally new type of character. gets in the car. driver gets out, every shifts seats. suddenly everyone in the car is the hitchhikers character type. it's that way with each hitchhiker. thats a long story short.

first i was a germophobe. then i became someone with tourette's syndrome, thanks to chad. then, kudos to roxie, we all became pregnant women, including chad and nathaniel, which was quite amusing. and then i became the driver. our hitchhiker was marcus.

so i get in the front seat, to pick him up. we all took a minute to figure out what his character type was. it was kind confusing. he was really jumpy and itchy, looked kind of nervous. i couldn't figure it out until he took a drag from a make beleive joint.

he was a drug addict.

i was in shock, i couldn't act. pssht, screw that, i couldn't even move. it's bad enough i grew up with one... no, two. now i have to act like one? no, i'm sorry, that's a little bit too out of my comfort zone. okay i lied. ALOT out of my comfort zone. and i would really appreciate no one commenting on this telling me that i should grow up and get over it because it's just drama class. no. it's not just drama class. it's not just acting. it's not just pretend. to me, it's a lot more.




i am in SUCH a bad mood. then i got a comment on my myspace blog, which absolutely made my day. i have a few wonderful friends. actually, for now, i have alot of wonderful friends. but i'm wondering how much longer those wonderful friends are going to stick around. circumstances change, secrest get uncovered, people get scared... have you ever noticed how often that happens in real life? guess that's just the way it goes.



EDITEDITEDIT

oh dear god, i'm breaking down... this is all too much... i have to go soon.... but.... just know... that if im not okay tmrw...... its all my fault...... i feel so pathetic, so worthless.... its getting to be so that i can hardly move...... i cant stop shaking, cant stop crying.... i dont understand what i did.... what did i do to deserve this?.... i'm i realy that bad, am i really taht bad of a person?... he hates me now, just wait til i tell him.... my new name.... my new name is 'fucking liar'.... my brother and i each took two cookies after school today.... and my dad broke us both down..... told us how pathetic we were.... how incredibly stupid and worthless..... our new names are fucking lair 1 and fucking liar 2..... it was two cookies.... i mean, i can understand being yelled at... but you dont understnad just how bad.... just what he said... everything..... i dont know what to do.. its not just this... its other things.... other secrets.... god, what am i doing..... its not all my fault... its not like i could choose... i didnt have a choice on some things.... im so confused.... so lost.... im feeling so broken, so.... unwanted.... what am i going to do?.... i cant tell, cant trust.... oh god....
  • Current Music
    Chevelle - 'Emotional Drought'

(no subject)

nothing too much really happened today. except that i absolutely adore my friend megan. i'm starting to realize just who my real friends are. starting is the key word - seeings how i haven't completed the process.

i ate salt water taffy.

no news on the house yet.

my dad is being a dick, as usual. we went to Walmart to pick up some stuff, not a whole lot. we were joking around, and whatnot, like we normally do if we're in a good mood. all i wanted to do was look at some bathing suits, right? i didn't want to buy one, i just wanted to look. my old one is ripped in the ass because i sat down on cement too often the last time i used it. so i wanted to look. i figured i could see what i liked, get a price range, and that way i'd know how much to ask for from my mom. god forbid i simply look. no, he's got to make this big ass scene in he middle of the Walmart, saying quite loudly, "No, Jessica, you can't look at bathing suits, not now - it's not like any would fit you anyway, you need to lose weight first." He thought that was fucking hilarious. Nobody else, including myself, did. One woman looked at him in disgust and turned to me with this im-so-sorry-you-have-to-live-with-him look in her eyes.

so then we had to go get cigarettes at the Wawa. no, we HAVE to get them from Wawa, it's not like we could have just as easily gotten the same kind at Walmart. so we go to Wawa. he gets coffee, because it's apparently too hard to make at our house. this is how it went.

me: "Can I get a donut?"
dad: "Pssht, no, of course not."
me: "Well... what about coffee?"
dad: "No!"
me: "Can I get ANYTHING?"
(we procede to counter)
dad: "Jess, you don't need anything to eat. I already told you that you need to start losing weight, and that means eating less."

Now let me, at this time, mention who is working behind the counter at this PRECISE second. Yes, the infamous, yet incredibly good looking, Zach Sampson. Keep this in mind.

me: "You really shouldn't smoke."
dad: "It's not like I care."
me: "So I noticed..."
(dad pulls out this wad of cash - mostly 20s and 100s)
(hands the cashier - a woman, Zach is at the next one over - a 20 dollar bill)
dad: "I probably have $1.88 in my pocket, too. Damn. Oh well, I need the $1's anyway."
me: "Why?"
dad: "So I can tip the strippers."
me: "EXCUSE ME?"
dad: "You heard me."
(i walk out in disgust after hitting him with the back of my hand)
dad (as i'm walking): "Hey, this will probably be enough to buy me a lapdance..."

And this was in the middle of a crowded wawa, in front of somebody that I go to school with, and dozens of strangers.

I don't know if he was kidding or not, and I don't particularly care. He crossed the line. He crossed the line along time ago. He crossed the line and is doing dances on this side of it.

I'm sorry, but my dad is a dick. An asshole. A jerk. An idiot. A bastard.

Aaaaand I hate him.



That kind of ruined my day.